What hurts you, blesses you.
Darkness is your candle.
Your boundaries are your quest.
- Rumi
Thursday, 26 April 2012
T'ai Chi Workshop in Blackrock Community Centre this Saturday Long Form 10.30 -11.30 Short Form and Partner Work 11.30 - 1.30 Beginners Lesson 1-2.30
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
T'ai Chi Workshop in Blackrock Community Centre this Saturday Long Form 10.30 -11.30 Short Form and Partner Work 11.30 - 1.30 Beginners Lesson 1-2.30
Short form from lifting hands to role back press and push in section 2 from ann on Vimeo.
''Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.'' - Mark TwainTuesday, 24 April 2012
"Live With a Full Moon in Each Eye"
With That Moon Language
Admit something.
Everyone you see, you say to them
"Love me."
Of course you do not do this out loud:
Otherwise,
Someone would call the cops.
Still, though, think about this,
This great pull in us to connect.
Why not become the one
Who lives with a full moon in each eye
That is always saying,
With that sweet moon
Language
What every other eye in this world
Is dying to
Hear?
- Hafiz
Sunday, 22 April 2012
T'ai Chi Workshop in Blackrock Community Centre this Saturday Long Form 10.30 -11.30 Short Form and Partner Work 11.30 - 1.30 Beginners Lesson 1-2.30
Do we need to make a special effort
to enjoy the beauty of the blue sky?
Do we have to practice to be able to enjoy it
No, we just enjoy it.
Each second, each minute of our lives can be like this.
Wherever we are , any time, we have the capacity
to enjoy the sunshine, the presence of each other,
even the sensation of our breathing.
We don't need to go to China to enjoy the blue sky.
We don't have to travel into the future to enjoy our breathing.
We can be in touch with these things right now.
Thich Nhat Hanh
Saturday, 21 April 2012
T'ai Chi Workshop in Blackrock Community Centre this Saturday Long Form 10.30 -11.30 Short Form and Partner Work 11.30 - 1.30 Beginners Lesson 1-2.30
If we had keen vision of all that is ordinary in human life,
it would be like hearing the grass grow or the squirrel's heart beat,
and we should die of that roar which is the other side of silence.
George Eliot ( Mary Ann Evans )
Thursday, 19 April 2012
It is great to have a good practice. It supports you through good times and bad.
It teaches patience and perseverance. For me Tai Chi is a true support, when I began to train I hoped to get fit while learning to meditate. I remember one of my teachers advertising posters said " Health Strength and Relaxation ". Tai Chi bestows all of these benefits and much more. Training daily you come to know both your body and your mind and slowly you begin to realise that you are not your body or your mind but something which is beyond both. This realisation is the fruit of practice and also its true purpose.
It teaches patience and perseverance. For me Tai Chi is a true support, when I began to train I hoped to get fit while learning to meditate. I remember one of my teachers advertising posters said " Health Strength and Relaxation ". Tai Chi bestows all of these benefits and much more. Training daily you come to know both your body and your mind and slowly you begin to realise that you are not your body or your mind but something which is beyond both. This realisation is the fruit of practice and also its true purpose.
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
Friday, 13 April 2012
Wednesday, 11 April 2012
Monday, 9 April 2012
Self-compassion
The Power of Self-Compassion
--by Jason Marsh,
Are you your own worst critic?
It’s common to beat ourselves up for faults big and small. But according to psychologist Kristin Neff, that self-criticism comes at a price: It makes us anxious, dissatisfied with our life, and even depressed.
Kristin Neff
For the last decade, Neff has been a pioneer in the study of “self-compassion,” the revolutionary idea that you can actually be kind to yourself, accept your own faults—and enjoy deep emotional benefits as a result. Last year, she distilled the results of her research in the popular book Self-Compassion.
As part of the “Greater Good Podcast” series, she recently spoke with Greater Good Editor-in-Chief Jason Marsh about how self-compassion differs from self-esteem, why self-compassion can be hard for Americans (or anybody) , and the transformative effect it had on her own life.
Below we present a condensed version of the discussion.
(I found this article very interesting and relevant to my life hope you find it useful and interesting too. )
Jason Marsh: So please start by telling us: What is self-compassion?
Kristin Neff: The quick version is that it’s treating yourself with the same type of kind, caring support and understanding that you would show to anyone you cared about. In fact, most of us make incredibly harsh, cruel self-judgments that we would never make about a total stranger, let alone someone we cared about.
JM: In your work you’ve identified three core components of self-compassion. Could you please tell us what they are?
KN: Right, the first one is self-kindness, as opposed to self-judgment. A lot of times when we suffer, we just take a very cold attitude toward ourselves. So self-compassion involves being warm and supportive—actively soothing ourselves—as opposed to being cold and judging ourselves.
The second part is remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience—that you’re not alone in your suffering. Often, when something goes wrong, we look in the mirror and don’t like what we see—we feel very isolated in that moment, as if everyone else has these perfect lives and it’s just us who’s flawed and defective. When we remember that imperfection is part of the shared human experience, you can actually feel more connected to people in those moments.
The third component is mindfulness. If you aren’t mindfully aware that you’re suffering, if you’re just repressing your pain or ignoring it or getting lost in problem solving, you can’t give yourself compassion. You have to say, “Wait a second. This hurts. This is really hard. This is a moment where I need compassion.” If you don’t want to go there, if it’s too painful or you’re just too busy to go there, you can’t be compassionate.
JM: When I hear you describe it like that, it seems so obvious that this is something we should all try to practice. Yet the truth of the matter, which you explain in your book, is that a lot of us, most of us perhaps, are really bad at practicing self-compassion. Why do you think that is? And why is that such a bad thing?
KN: It’s very interesting because in our culture, we value compassion for others. We see clearly that it’s good to be a supportive friend and be kind to others, to help those in need.
We treat ourselves very differently than we treat other people. And I think there are several reasons why.
One of the big reasons is that people feel that they need to be self-critical in order to motivate themselves. We think we need to beat ourselves up if we make mistakes so that we won’t do it again. It’s a convoluted form of self-care: I criticize myself because I don’t want to keep engaging in this behavior that’s problematic.
But that’s completely counterproductive. Self-criticism is very strongly linked to depression. And depression is antithetical to motivation: You’re unable to be motivated to change if you’re depressed. It causes us to lose faith in ourselves, and that’s going to make us less likely to try to change and conditions us for failure. If every time you fail or make a mistake you beat yourself up, you’re going to very quickly try to avoid failure at all costs. It’s a natural survival instinct. Which means you may not take risks—maybe you take the course that’s an easy A [instead of a more challenging one].
Maybe the biggest problem with using self-criticism as a motivator is that if it’s really painful to be honest with yourself about your weaknesses—because you know you’re going to tear yourself to shreds with self-criticism—your subconscious pulls every trick in the book to not have to own up to your weaknesses.
The easiest trick is to blame someone else. Think about fights you have with your significant other—“You did it!” “No, you did it!” Each one’s trying to defend their ego, blaming the other person. But when you have self-compassion, it actually gives you the courage and the emotional safety you need to say, “Mea culpa—I did do that, I was out of line.” And that clarity actually gives you not only the wisdom to see what needs changing but the emotional strength and courage to go ahead and change it.
JM: So what what’s the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion?
KN: Self-compassion and self-esteem both involve positive emotions toward the self. But self-esteem is about judging yourself positively: I am good. Or, unfortunately, if you can’t keep up that self-definition: I am bad.
Self-compassion does not involve judgment or evaluation. It’s not about, “What type of person am I?” It’s just about: I’m suffering—can I respond to my suffering with kindness, understanding, caring, and concern?
Self-esteem is present when we succeed. Self-compassion is a way of relating to ourselves kindly when we fail.
Self-esteem is all about being special and above average. You subtly try to position yourself above other people so you can maintain your self-esteem. But self-compassion is about shared humanity—it’s all about being average. It’s about being a human: We have strengths and beautiful qualities, and we have weaknesses; we succeed and we fail and it’s all part of this shared human condition.
JM: I want to talk a little bit about your personal experience with self-compassion, how you really came to embrace it both personally and scientifically. How did you personally come to believe in the importance of self-compassion?
KN: I had a hippie, New-Agey childhood. But when I got to Berkeley for grad school, I decided I had to reject all that. And then what happened was—if you read my book, I tell my dirty laundry—but basically I was going through a very messy divorce, and I was stressed about finishing my dissertation and finding a job. There was a lot going on in my life. And I realized that when I just went for the intellect and tried to reject all my spirituality, I was shutting myself down. So I decided to give Buddhism a try.
I started meditating. And the lady teaching the meditation class talked a lot about self-compassion, and I just thought, “Oh my god, not only is this what I need, but this makes so much sense. Why has no one ever just said before, ‘You really should be kind to yourself, and it’ll actually be really healthy if you are?’” It immediately changed my life, so much so that when I got remarried shortly thereafter, we ended our marriage vows with the vow to help each other be more self-compassionate. We were both so moved by the concept.
After doing my post-doc and getting the job at UT-Austin, it was kind of scary because no one knew how to even define self-compassion, let alone conduct research on it in academia, although a lot of people had written about it in other circles. But I just knew that this was so important, I wanted it to be my life’s work. I started doing research on it, and I continued to practice it—going on retreats, practicing in my daily life, etc. But when it really saved me was when my son was diagnosed with autism in 2004.
I can’t even imagine how I would have coped if I didn’t have my self-compassion practice. I was able to fully accept my grief, not feel guilty for grieving, which a lot of autism parents do: “How can I be grieving for my child who I love so much?” I was able to accept all my complex, intense emotions, to really soothe and comfort myself for what I was going through.
With autism, you are powerless. When my son used to have tantrums in public, there was nothing I could do. I was completely powerless. I could try to keep him safe and that’s about it. So self-compassion allowed me to accept that, and open my heart to it—he’d be throwing a tantrum, and I would just be saying, “Let me be kind to myself right now, let me be kind to myself, let me…” I would actually focus on myself rather than him, after making sure he was safe. I couldn’t help him, but I could help myself in that moment.
Kristin Neff's book, Self-Compassion(William Morrow, 2011).
Self-compassion gave me the emotional stability I needed to help him, and then ultimately to embrace him, with a much more open heart and open mind than I would have been able to—to not try to fix him or control him but to celebrate who I was and kind of follow his lead. I won’t go into it here, but my husband wrote a book, and we made a documentary, called The Horse Boy, which is really about what happens if you open your heart and your mind to a child with autism or special needs.
JM: So it sounds like self-compassion was a revelation for you in your personal life and your family life. But why study it? Why would it necessarily follow that you should study it scientifically, especially given that there was a chance you could find no measurable benefits?
KN: Well, to be totally honest, I was convinced of the benefits and felt that what I wanted to do was demonstrate empirically that there were benefits. I don’t know what I would’ve done if there were no benefits. I probably would’ve still practiced self-compassion because it worked for me, but I would’ve been a bit flabbergasted if the data didn’t come out. Although I must admit, I was surprised by how strongly the links were between self-compassion and well-being—they’re really strong, robust associations. I thought, “Wow, we’re onto something here.”
JM: Looking back over the last decade or so of research, what are the findings that you think really attest to the benefits of self-compassion?
KN: Well, there’s the data supporting the fact that self-compassion has the same mental health benefits as self-esteem: less depression, more optimism, greater happiness, more life satisfaction. But self-compassion offers the benefits without the drawbacks of self-esteem. Self-esteem is associated with narcissism; self-compassion isn’t. It’s self-compassion, not self-esteem, that predicts stability of self-worth—a type of self-worth that isn’t contingent on outcomes—as well as less social comparison, less reactive anger.
Now a lot of research is coming out around health behaviors, showing that people who practice self-compassion make really wise health choices. They exercise more for intrinsic reasons, they can stick to their diets, they go to the doctor more often, they practice safer sex. All this research is coming out showing that self-compassion is not just a good idea, and it doesn’t just make you feel good, it makes you act in healthier ways.
Also, people who are self-compassionate are kinder, more giving, and supportive to their relationship partners.
JM: Those research results sound encouraging, but could they just reflect that people who are self-compassionate also have these other traits and practice these other behaviors? Or is there research suggesting that self-compassion can actually be taught, and that by learning self-compassion, those other benefits will follow?
KN: Yeah, the research is already there, and it’s going to continue. There’s a lot of research on MBSR—Jon Kabat-Zinns’ Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program—and all the benefits that accrue from that. Well, it turns out that self-compassion increases through participation in the course; in fact, it may be that self-compassion is perhaps even the most powerful outcome of MBSR training that enhances well-being.
Some of the studies I’m talking about are based on short-term interventions, training people over four weeks. But my colleague Chris Germer and I have developed an eight-week program, very similar in structure to mindfulness-based stress reduction, where two hours a week for eight weeks, we talk about self-compassion, we teach exercises, we do self-compassion meditations, interpersonal exercises. I’ll have the data very soon to see if it does increase well-being. We’ve done pilot testing without a control group and the results were really good.
I could see this going into the schools. Already, people are starting to talk about teaching compassion in the schools, so I’d like to add this piece of having compassion for yourself as well.
JM: That brings up a point you mentioned earlier. When you talk about teaching self-compassion in schools, I think that might raise some red flags in some people’s minds. I’m thinking of the concern I’ve heard before: Is self-compassion going to make people complacent and unmotivated to improve themselves and accomplish more?
KN: Yeah, that is a very common concern. It’s actually, I think, the number one block to self-compassion: the fear that if I’m too kind to myself, I’ll be complacent.
The research doesn’t show that. The research really supports that people who are self-compassionate, their standards are just as high for themselves, but they don’t get as upset when they fail to meet their goals—they cope with it more productively. And as a result, when self-compassionate people don’t reach a goal, they’re much more likely to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and re-engage in a new goal.
Self-compassion is associated with what’s called “learning goals” rather than “performance goals.” So people who are self-compassionate, they want to learn and grow for its own sake, not because they want to impress other people. There is a huge body of research showing that if your goal is to learn as opposed to just impress others, that’s a much more sustainable way of learning and growing.
JM: So if you could engineer our society in a way that fosters more self-compassion, how would you do that?
KN: I think our obsession with self-esteem and competition does mean that we’d have to engineer things differently here. Is that what we want to be promoting in the schools? Is that what parents want to be promoting?
We don’t want kids to hate themselves, we want them to feel worthy, but is life all about being better than others? Is it all about being special and above average? Or is about being a human being as happy and healthy as you possibly can be, about reaching your own potential? And I think if we made that type of cultural shift, at the level of parenting and education, I think we’d have a real chance of shifting things at the larger macro level.
--by Jason Marsh,
Are you your own worst critic?
It’s common to beat ourselves up for faults big and small. But according to psychologist Kristin Neff, that self-criticism comes at a price: It makes us anxious, dissatisfied with our life, and even depressed.
Kristin Neff
For the last decade, Neff has been a pioneer in the study of “self-compassion,” the revolutionary idea that you can actually be kind to yourself, accept your own faults—and enjoy deep emotional benefits as a result. Last year, she distilled the results of her research in the popular book Self-Compassion.
As part of the “Greater Good Podcast” series, she recently spoke with Greater Good Editor-in-Chief Jason Marsh about how self-compassion differs from self-esteem, why self-compassion can be hard for Americans (or anybody) , and the transformative effect it had on her own life.
Below we present a condensed version of the discussion.
(I found this article very interesting and relevant to my life hope you find it useful and interesting too. )
Jason Marsh: So please start by telling us: What is self-compassion?
Kristin Neff: The quick version is that it’s treating yourself with the same type of kind, caring support and understanding that you would show to anyone you cared about. In fact, most of us make incredibly harsh, cruel self-judgments that we would never make about a total stranger, let alone someone we cared about.
JM: In your work you’ve identified three core components of self-compassion. Could you please tell us what they are?
KN: Right, the first one is self-kindness, as opposed to self-judgment. A lot of times when we suffer, we just take a very cold attitude toward ourselves. So self-compassion involves being warm and supportive—actively soothing ourselves—as opposed to being cold and judging ourselves.
The second part is remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience—that you’re not alone in your suffering. Often, when something goes wrong, we look in the mirror and don’t like what we see—we feel very isolated in that moment, as if everyone else has these perfect lives and it’s just us who’s flawed and defective. When we remember that imperfection is part of the shared human experience, you can actually feel more connected to people in those moments.
The third component is mindfulness. If you aren’t mindfully aware that you’re suffering, if you’re just repressing your pain or ignoring it or getting lost in problem solving, you can’t give yourself compassion. You have to say, “Wait a second. This hurts. This is really hard. This is a moment where I need compassion.” If you don’t want to go there, if it’s too painful or you’re just too busy to go there, you can’t be compassionate.
JM: When I hear you describe it like that, it seems so obvious that this is something we should all try to practice. Yet the truth of the matter, which you explain in your book, is that a lot of us, most of us perhaps, are really bad at practicing self-compassion. Why do you think that is? And why is that such a bad thing?
KN: It’s very interesting because in our culture, we value compassion for others. We see clearly that it’s good to be a supportive friend and be kind to others, to help those in need.
We treat ourselves very differently than we treat other people. And I think there are several reasons why.
One of the big reasons is that people feel that they need to be self-critical in order to motivate themselves. We think we need to beat ourselves up if we make mistakes so that we won’t do it again. It’s a convoluted form of self-care: I criticize myself because I don’t want to keep engaging in this behavior that’s problematic.
But that’s completely counterproductive. Self-criticism is very strongly linked to depression. And depression is antithetical to motivation: You’re unable to be motivated to change if you’re depressed. It causes us to lose faith in ourselves, and that’s going to make us less likely to try to change and conditions us for failure. If every time you fail or make a mistake you beat yourself up, you’re going to very quickly try to avoid failure at all costs. It’s a natural survival instinct. Which means you may not take risks—maybe you take the course that’s an easy A [instead of a more challenging one].
Maybe the biggest problem with using self-criticism as a motivator is that if it’s really painful to be honest with yourself about your weaknesses—because you know you’re going to tear yourself to shreds with self-criticism—your subconscious pulls every trick in the book to not have to own up to your weaknesses.
The easiest trick is to blame someone else. Think about fights you have with your significant other—“You did it!” “No, you did it!” Each one’s trying to defend their ego, blaming the other person. But when you have self-compassion, it actually gives you the courage and the emotional safety you need to say, “Mea culpa—I did do that, I was out of line.” And that clarity actually gives you not only the wisdom to see what needs changing but the emotional strength and courage to go ahead and change it.
JM: So what what’s the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion?
KN: Self-compassion and self-esteem both involve positive emotions toward the self. But self-esteem is about judging yourself positively: I am good. Or, unfortunately, if you can’t keep up that self-definition: I am bad.
Self-compassion does not involve judgment or evaluation. It’s not about, “What type of person am I?” It’s just about: I’m suffering—can I respond to my suffering with kindness, understanding, caring, and concern?
Self-esteem is present when we succeed. Self-compassion is a way of relating to ourselves kindly when we fail.
Self-esteem is all about being special and above average. You subtly try to position yourself above other people so you can maintain your self-esteem. But self-compassion is about shared humanity—it’s all about being average. It’s about being a human: We have strengths and beautiful qualities, and we have weaknesses; we succeed and we fail and it’s all part of this shared human condition.
JM: I want to talk a little bit about your personal experience with self-compassion, how you really came to embrace it both personally and scientifically. How did you personally come to believe in the importance of self-compassion?
KN: I had a hippie, New-Agey childhood. But when I got to Berkeley for grad school, I decided I had to reject all that. And then what happened was—if you read my book, I tell my dirty laundry—but basically I was going through a very messy divorce, and I was stressed about finishing my dissertation and finding a job. There was a lot going on in my life. And I realized that when I just went for the intellect and tried to reject all my spirituality, I was shutting myself down. So I decided to give Buddhism a try.
I started meditating. And the lady teaching the meditation class talked a lot about self-compassion, and I just thought, “Oh my god, not only is this what I need, but this makes so much sense. Why has no one ever just said before, ‘You really should be kind to yourself, and it’ll actually be really healthy if you are?’” It immediately changed my life, so much so that when I got remarried shortly thereafter, we ended our marriage vows with the vow to help each other be more self-compassionate. We were both so moved by the concept.
After doing my post-doc and getting the job at UT-Austin, it was kind of scary because no one knew how to even define self-compassion, let alone conduct research on it in academia, although a lot of people had written about it in other circles. But I just knew that this was so important, I wanted it to be my life’s work. I started doing research on it, and I continued to practice it—going on retreats, practicing in my daily life, etc. But when it really saved me was when my son was diagnosed with autism in 2004.
I can’t even imagine how I would have coped if I didn’t have my self-compassion practice. I was able to fully accept my grief, not feel guilty for grieving, which a lot of autism parents do: “How can I be grieving for my child who I love so much?” I was able to accept all my complex, intense emotions, to really soothe and comfort myself for what I was going through.
With autism, you are powerless. When my son used to have tantrums in public, there was nothing I could do. I was completely powerless. I could try to keep him safe and that’s about it. So self-compassion allowed me to accept that, and open my heart to it—he’d be throwing a tantrum, and I would just be saying, “Let me be kind to myself right now, let me be kind to myself, let me…” I would actually focus on myself rather than him, after making sure he was safe. I couldn’t help him, but I could help myself in that moment.
Kristin Neff's book, Self-Compassion(William Morrow, 2011).
Self-compassion gave me the emotional stability I needed to help him, and then ultimately to embrace him, with a much more open heart and open mind than I would have been able to—to not try to fix him or control him but to celebrate who I was and kind of follow his lead. I won’t go into it here, but my husband wrote a book, and we made a documentary, called The Horse Boy, which is really about what happens if you open your heart and your mind to a child with autism or special needs.
JM: So it sounds like self-compassion was a revelation for you in your personal life and your family life. But why study it? Why would it necessarily follow that you should study it scientifically, especially given that there was a chance you could find no measurable benefits?
KN: Well, to be totally honest, I was convinced of the benefits and felt that what I wanted to do was demonstrate empirically that there were benefits. I don’t know what I would’ve done if there were no benefits. I probably would’ve still practiced self-compassion because it worked for me, but I would’ve been a bit flabbergasted if the data didn’t come out. Although I must admit, I was surprised by how strongly the links were between self-compassion and well-being—they’re really strong, robust associations. I thought, “Wow, we’re onto something here.”
JM: Looking back over the last decade or so of research, what are the findings that you think really attest to the benefits of self-compassion?
KN: Well, there’s the data supporting the fact that self-compassion has the same mental health benefits as self-esteem: less depression, more optimism, greater happiness, more life satisfaction. But self-compassion offers the benefits without the drawbacks of self-esteem. Self-esteem is associated with narcissism; self-compassion isn’t. It’s self-compassion, not self-esteem, that predicts stability of self-worth—a type of self-worth that isn’t contingent on outcomes—as well as less social comparison, less reactive anger.
Now a lot of research is coming out around health behaviors, showing that people who practice self-compassion make really wise health choices. They exercise more for intrinsic reasons, they can stick to their diets, they go to the doctor more often, they practice safer sex. All this research is coming out showing that self-compassion is not just a good idea, and it doesn’t just make you feel good, it makes you act in healthier ways.
Also, people who are self-compassionate are kinder, more giving, and supportive to their relationship partners.
JM: Those research results sound encouraging, but could they just reflect that people who are self-compassionate also have these other traits and practice these other behaviors? Or is there research suggesting that self-compassion can actually be taught, and that by learning self-compassion, those other benefits will follow?
KN: Yeah, the research is already there, and it’s going to continue. There’s a lot of research on MBSR—Jon Kabat-Zinns’ Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program—and all the benefits that accrue from that. Well, it turns out that self-compassion increases through participation in the course; in fact, it may be that self-compassion is perhaps even the most powerful outcome of MBSR training that enhances well-being.
Some of the studies I’m talking about are based on short-term interventions, training people over four weeks. But my colleague Chris Germer and I have developed an eight-week program, very similar in structure to mindfulness-based stress reduction, where two hours a week for eight weeks, we talk about self-compassion, we teach exercises, we do self-compassion meditations, interpersonal exercises. I’ll have the data very soon to see if it does increase well-being. We’ve done pilot testing without a control group and the results were really good.
I could see this going into the schools. Already, people are starting to talk about teaching compassion in the schools, so I’d like to add this piece of having compassion for yourself as well.
JM: That brings up a point you mentioned earlier. When you talk about teaching self-compassion in schools, I think that might raise some red flags in some people’s minds. I’m thinking of the concern I’ve heard before: Is self-compassion going to make people complacent and unmotivated to improve themselves and accomplish more?
KN: Yeah, that is a very common concern. It’s actually, I think, the number one block to self-compassion: the fear that if I’m too kind to myself, I’ll be complacent.
The research doesn’t show that. The research really supports that people who are self-compassionate, their standards are just as high for themselves, but they don’t get as upset when they fail to meet their goals—they cope with it more productively. And as a result, when self-compassionate people don’t reach a goal, they’re much more likely to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and re-engage in a new goal.
Self-compassion is associated with what’s called “learning goals” rather than “performance goals.” So people who are self-compassionate, they want to learn and grow for its own sake, not because they want to impress other people. There is a huge body of research showing that if your goal is to learn as opposed to just impress others, that’s a much more sustainable way of learning and growing.
JM: So if you could engineer our society in a way that fosters more self-compassion, how would you do that?
KN: I think our obsession with self-esteem and competition does mean that we’d have to engineer things differently here. Is that what we want to be promoting in the schools? Is that what parents want to be promoting?
We don’t want kids to hate themselves, we want them to feel worthy, but is life all about being better than others? Is it all about being special and above average? Or is about being a human being as happy and healthy as you possibly can be, about reaching your own potential? And I think if we made that type of cultural shift, at the level of parenting and education, I think we’d have a real chance of shifting things at the larger macro level.
Sunday, 8 April 2012
I used to pay a lot of attention to aspects of my life that were not ( in my mind ) working. Now I have discovered a much better approach. Paying more attention to what is already working actually gives me more of what is working. By focusing on what I like about my relationships, my work , my home etc, I become more aware of what I have that is working well, I feel more fulfilled, energised, enthusiastic. Give it a try I'm sure you will love the results as much as I do. Give yourself some time to reflect you will be well rewarded.
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
Tuesday Morning Class First Lesson Mini Form
Our bodies can become great teachers for us.
Just for now relax as you read and allow yourself to feel your whole body. . . .
Notice where you are tense . . . . Just take some time to really feel the tension without trying to fix or change it . . . . . Allow it to be. . . . .
Now bring your attention to a place in your body where you feel relaxed . . . .
Really allow yourself to feel the relaxation . . . . . Melt right into that sense of relaxation . . . .
Give yourself completely to it for the next few minutes. . . . .
Notice how you feel now. . . . .
Practicing this exercise daily you will come to know your body in a whole new way.
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Monday Morning T'ai Chi
Come into your body. Tell your mind to take a holiday. When it comes knocking,
looking for your attention tell it that now it's the body's turn. As you do your practice keep pulling your attention back in to your body. Feel your feet on the ground. Feel the sensations that arise as your weight shifts from one foot to the other. Feel how your waist turns right and left. There is so much ' food ' here for your body, so much nourishment in attention turned inward. Your body will open to you and surprise you in ways you cannot even imagine.
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Lessons 1,2 and 3 for Saturday's class
I came across this anonymous story and just had to share it !
I have never lived in the same province as my only niece but she and I have a special bond. Since she was two years old I have written her a letter every week!
We refer to them as my Thursday letters because my day off used to be Thursday and the first thing I would do would be to write to Brooke. She is ten now and quite grown up, but I continue to cherish the times when I write to her. I have only missed six Thursdays in eight years; because of a mail strike and a hospital stay.
When Brooke was four she was talking with my mom. "Auntie Steph writes me a letter every week," she said
"That's a lot of letters," my mom replied. "What does she write about?"
"Well ..." Brooke thought about it. "She tells me that she loves me! Sometimes she says it long and sometimes she says it short!"
She was absolutely right! She saw the love right through the envelope, past the stickers and addressed to her heart !
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